Still Fighting It

Lacing up the corset on my prom dress, ready to demote it to the inside of my wardrobe rather than hanging on the outside since July, I realised something. All this time at home gives me a lot of free time to get comtemplative and nostalgic and just generally down.

Prom dress. Yearbook. The hoody I lived in during year 8.

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The most beautiful dress I’ll ever own and I only get to wear it once

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I can’t look through this without crying

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I fancied myself as a bit of an emo without the stereotypes when I was 13…

 

This stuff is all over my room and so I’m constantly reminded of the changes I’m facing since I left school and turned the big one eight. I want the ease of adolescene back (well, ease in relation to my life now). Give me petty friend trouble and the inability to form sentences around hot guys any day over this responsibility and pressure and sudden lack of any structure in my life.

To quote Ben Folds (my dad would be proud),

“Everybody know it hurts to grow up, but everybody does. It’s so weird to be back here. Let me tell you what, the years go on and we’re still fighting it.”

Moving On…And Out?

I mentioned in my last post that I’m facing a few changes in my life currently. Tonight I have discovered I may be facing the upheaval of moving…to a town an hour away. My parents have been considering it for the last couple of months but had come to the conclusion right now is not the ideal time. However a house has come up on the market that they love, and my mum is worried another one like it will not come along again.

In all honesty, the house is lovely and I adore the town it’s in. But for multiple reasons I can’t give the move my full support. For one, it will mean I’m a two hour commute from the university I start next year, rather than the one hour commute I face if we stay here. Secondly, my parents are divorced and seeing my dad would be more difficult as he also lives here. Thirdly, I have a boyfriend with whom I’m in a very serious relationship with. In addition to my own personal reasons, my younger brother is halfway through his GCSEs at a good school and it would mean him moving schools mid course and could easily have an effect on how his grades turn out.

Now, as I mentioned, the town is only an hour away, but with no car (or lisence at present) this would involve spending £17 on train fare every time I want to return. Which, needless to say, is a very expensive problem which I can’t afford, espcially not when facing the cost of uni in a years time. As it stands currently I see my boyfriend almost every day and my dad every couple of days. Going whole weeks without seeing either of them would be something I would struggle immensely with, as would my younger brother who is very close to our dad.

Maybe I’m being selfish, but I think my parents (mum and step dad) fail to see how much this would affect both my brother and I and make our lives a lot of swapping, not just between houses, but between towns.

A New Chapter

This is a new chapter for me in a few ways. I’ve decided to see if writing about my life and emotions might work better for my writing style rather than writing fiction. I often find myself feeling inspired when thinking about my past and how I felt at different stages in my life. And how I feel now.

Second of all, I’m beginning a very new, scary chapter in my life.. I’ve left the school I’ve been at for the last seven years, and I’m taking a gap year to work before I start university next September. At the moment I’m still trying to find full time work, and I’ve been feeling frustrated and restless. I’m hoping this blog can be somewhere where I can turn my emotions into something creative and explore them and write them down. Maybe they’ll help other people. Maybe it’ll just help me to work through what I’m feeling. Who knows?